Today I did not feel that way. I felt sad, tired and lazy. My home needed cleaning but not just one room, the entire home. I was overwhelmed but I chose a space and got going. I cleaned my closet with bitterness and resentment. When I finished the job, I still felt horrible. Slow and steady does not win the race, I told myself. Slow and steady cleans one room leaving much more too clean.
I sat down in defeat and opened up Facebook on my iPhone. Facebook is a place I go to escape but I have done a great job at making it a motivational space. I follow a lot of people and blogs that inspire me. Today I came across this post by Lissa Rankin, M.D. Author of Mind Over Medicine:
Imagine if you replaced every "I should" with "I choose." Instead of "I should work out/ eat better/ lose weight/ spend more time with the kids/ complete this work task/ volunteer for this charity/ do the dishes," you can shift it to "I choose to work out/ eat better, etc. Or you can choose not to do those things. When you are in choice, the energy of your intention completely shifts. "Shoulds" are loaded with judgment, projection, and negative energy. Being in choice allows you to discern what is in alignment with your spirit versus what you only feel you should do because of the expectations of others.
What "should" do you choose to do today? What "should" do you choose to release?
This really struck me because the entire morning and all of yesterday (I’m sad to admit) I have been telling myself I should do this, I should do that. I sat there in my moment of defeat and realized I was choosing not to do anything. I was choosing to feel miserable. And I realized I wasn’t taking care of myself.
This week’s lesson with The Gifts of Imperfection E-Course is about letting go of perfectionism and exercising self-compassion. It dawned on me, this is it. This is the time to do the work, when I’m feeling like crap-o-la. This is when I need to put my learning into drive. I made a choice and I chose to forgive myself. I accepted that I’m not going to feel great and positive every day and that’s ok. And then I asked myself, What can I do to feel better?
My answer was, take a shower, get dressed and get ready for the day. Usually, I just throw on some clothes in the morning but after I take the girls to school, back into my pj’s I go.
I took a shower, washed away all the negative energy and envisioned light and positivity raining over me and exuding from my being. I got dressed, put on some make-up and felt ready to go. My entire attitude changed. I made the choice to take care of myself and gave myself permission to clean at my slow but steady rate.
I felt great the rest of the day. I gave myself the care I needed and in turn I was a lot more loving and patient toward my family. The air felt lighter, life felt easier and I still hadn’t cleaned my entire home.
I’ve realized while writing this post that I have perfectionist tendencies when it comes to cleaning the house. “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Brene Brown.
I think a lot about what other people might think. I don’t want to be judged because something’s out of place or there’s a spider web in the corner of the ceiling. I don’t want people to think I’m dirty or (gasp) lazy. My home is never going to be perfectly clean. I have two little ones, a dog and a husband to clean up after. Sometimes Mama gets tired and burnt out.
One of the exercises we had to do for the E-course was to write loving whispers to pictures of ourselves.
Here are my whispers for today:
"Its ok Mama, you deserve some rest and some self-love. Take your time. Take care of yourself. I forgive you and I love you."
Peace and Love,
What would you whisper to yourself?
Is there something you need to forgive yourself for?
What scenarios spark your inner perfectionist?