Surrender.

 

My coffee table equipped with a chocolate chip muffin, strawberries and a coffee.

 

I was down on my knees cleaning the coffee table and I felt this unbearable pain. All of the pressure to do well and all of the responsibilities in my life were crushing me. I held my breath and froze on the floor. Down on the floor like a dog curling its tail between its legs, I sat in shame. I felt the tears begin to rise. I wanted to crawl to bed and go to sleep while all of the things I must do and be just magically disappear. Down on the floor, I felt like giving up. For a moment, I lost the will to keep going.  

Normally, I would have stopped cleaning, open a bottle of wine, lie on the couch and turn on Sleepless in Seattle. I would have continued to do this for the remainder of the week. I call it “zombie mode,” going through the motions of life but not really living or enjoying it. The blinds would all be closed and I would hide in the dark until I managed to shake off the weight and climb back out again.

When I felt this pain I paused, mid Pledge spray, and took a few moments before throwing my hands up in the air and saying, “I surrender.”

My hands came together in front of my chest. I closed my eyes and prayed.

I prayed for patience, I prayed for peace of mind, I prayed for strength and I prayed for love. I prayed that everything I do in life would come from a place of love. I asked the Universe and God for help and guidance. And then I let God take the lead.

I felt the pain and the shortness of breath ease away. I acknowledged it, asked for help and then let it go, off to the stars and to the heavens above. And I managed to breathe and be thankful for that breath. 

I finished cleaning the coffee table and my home. All of the blinds were open and the light remained. I will not be trapped in darkness any more. That is what this spiritual journey means to me. It is the cure for my depression and anxiety. It is the source of my strength, of energy, and of love.

My mind and emotional state feel stronger than ever. I am beginning to feel as though I can handle anything that comes my way. For the first time in my life I can feel that love inside of me for myself. I deserve love. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in the light. And my family deserves that love and light as well.

 

To surrender means to give up control and have faith. Believe that whatever you’re going through is happening for a reason and that you are strong enough to endure it. Not only endure the pain but to become even stronger than you were before it knocked you down.

Get up, clean your coffee table and breathe.

Peace and Love,

Ashley

 

"Surrender is faith that the power of Love can accomplish anything even when you cannot forsee the outcome." - Deepak Chopra

"The creative process is a process of surrender, not control.” - Julia Cameron

“If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” - Anne Morrow Lindbergh  

 

Good Morning.

 

 

 

So sweet to have you near

When my sight is still unclear

Your presence is all I need

To have a sense of familiarity

When your eyes open to see mine

I feel the sun shine on me

And I am set free

With a moment of clarity

 

Good morning lovely.

 

 

 

Peace and Love,

Ashley

A Writer's Prayer

 

 

This morning I worked on a short story called A Writer's Prayer. After re-reading and re-writing the story I decided I didn't like it very much. I deleted the story but kept the prayer.

 

 

These words are all I have to give.

These words offer me strength to live.

If I shall die before I wake,

I pray my words they will take.

 

Amen.

 

After reading my prayer I did a little internet search to see if there were any other Writer's Prayers out there. Here are some I found and the words that touched me the most...

 

“I humbly pen this prayer,
Not because I can’t speak,
But because You gave to me,
this small talent of writing,
and it is through this talent,
You have given my heart a voice.”

Duane Scott

To read the entire prayer: http://scribingthejourney.com/the-writers-prayer/

 

 

“But most of all, Lord, help me to know the Truth, so my fiction is more honest than actuality and reaches the depths of my reader's soul.”

Sandy Tritt

To read the entire prayer: http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/The_Writers_Prayer.html

 

 

“I pray that I will have the courage to take chances; accept failures; be open to new experiences and ways of doing things; and above all, to keep writing.”

Margaret D. Pagan
To read the entire prayer: http://margaretpagan.com/a_writers_prayer

 

 

“Allow me to follow your will, to trust your ways, to be unconcerned with how I write but that I write in the light of your Light."

 

Margaret Rose Realy
 To read the entire prayer: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/prayergardens/2013/02/a-writers-prayer/

 

 

I love these prayers. They embody what it means to be a writer. We all wish to use our gift for a stronger connection with human kind. And hopefully to be of service in the only way we know how.

Words do matter.

Peace and Love,

Ashley

 

Do you have a writer's prayer?

Or another prayer that you would like to share?

Please share your prayer in the comments below.

 

Love for Lincoln

Alana brought this book home from her school library yesterday.

 

 

Looking at Lincoln

By: Maira Kalman

 

This book is beautiful and insightful. And I admit, I kind of forgot how awesome Honest Abe was. It was nice to refresh my memory and teach my kids about the 16th President of the United States. I hope to one day walk with my daughters under the cherry blossoms to the Lincoln Memorial.

 

This is a page from the book. It's our favorite of course because of all the pink.

We Kagaoan girls love pink.

 

And we love President Lincoln, a great man who truly believed we are all created equal. 

 

 

 

Here is a quote from President Lincoln that I live by (not in the book):

 

“When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.”  

- Abraham Lincoln

 

I've taught my children that when they are good, they will feel happy

and Mommy and Daddy will be happy too.

 

Our attitudes, choices, and actions create our environment. We want a happy one.

We chose to be good and create happiness.

 

 

 

Peace and Love,

 

Ashley

 

 

Spiritual Practice

 

I have been feeling this yearning for more discipline when it comes to my spiritual routine. I can be very lazy and I don’t want to waste my time anymore. I would love to make more use of my day and incorporate a spiritual practice into everyday life.

One aspect of my spiritual practice that I would love to do more frequently is Yoga. Every time I have gone to a Yoga class I leave feeling ten feet taller, ten pounds lighter and ten times more thankful. I’ve been going to Yoga once a week now. This last week I missed class because I thought my little Mia (my 3 year old daughter) was coming down with a cold. I was bummed that I missed it. The Yoga instructor is so vibrant. She radiates happiness and love. Last week she made us all come out of our comfort zone and had us do some poses with a partner. Normally, a situation like this would have made me extremely anxious. And my anxiety would have prevented me from fully engaging in the exercise.  Since I’ve started this spiritual journey, I’m finding it a lot easier being me.  I felt calm and present. My partner was very welcoming and friendly. There was nothing to feel anxious about.

I really enjoyed participating in the partner Yoga exercise. Our energy combined created an abundance of energy. We were able to do the balancing positions with more ease and a sense of stability. It was a really great experience. I made a new friend and was given the gift of extra energy, which happens to be my New Year’s Resolution: MORE (POSITIVE) ENERGY! I need it to keep up with my little girls. Their energy levels are off the charts these days.

The week that I missed Yoga class I took Mia to her dance class the next morning. Turned out she just had the sniffles. As I walked up to the viewing window to watch her tap I stood next to a woman I recognized. I asked her if she was my yoga partner. She looked at me and said, “Yes! I was just thinking how do I know you?” She said enthusiastically.

We laughed and talked for a bit. It was awesome, not only to see a familiar face at my daughter’s dance studio, but also because of the spiritual connection. I felt as though this was a sign for me to continue with my Yoga practice and to make it a priority in my life.

I also have to admit that I have completely isolated myself at my daughter’s dance studio. I don’t really interact with the other moms because what I’ve come to learn is that mothers can be extremely judgmental. So I’ve practically excluded myself from the mothers den. But seeing my yoga partner and feeling more at peace with myself, that day I didn’t withdraw myself. I engaged and enjoyed my time hanging with the dance moms. I realized I was the one being judgmental. I judged them because I thought that’s what they would do to me.

Through my spiritual practice I hope to let go of judgment, of myself and of others. We are so hard on each other because we are so hard on ourselves. It’s time to give ourselves a break. Tell that nasty ego to shut up! Those negative thoughts in our heads only keep us withdrawn from life. When you feel withdrawn you feel lonely and miserable. When you engage, you feel connection, warmth and love. You’re still going to experience some judgment but it won’t come as frequently and when it does you will notice it and not take it to heart. Since I’ve been more aware of my judgment and am able to recognize it, I can feel it slipping away and the judgment I feared from others is going along with it.

I am currently reading the book The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. This is the lesson that I have learned from this experience:

“If you attend to the negative aspects of life, if you choose to focus your attention on the weaknesses of others, on their faults and shortcomings, you draw to yourself the lower-frequency energy currents of disdain, anger and hatred. You put distance between yourself and others (127).”

“If you choose to focus your attention on the strengths of others, on the virtues of others, on that part of others that strives for the highest, you run through you system the higher-frequency currents of appreciation, acceptance and love. Your energy and influence radiate instantaneously from soul to soul. You become an effective instrument of constructive change (128).”

 

I choose POSITIVE ENERGY! And I will continue to create it through my spiritual practice.

 

Peace and Love,

Ashley

 

Have you read The Seat of the Soul? What have you learned from it?

Do you have a spiritual practice? How has it helped you?

Have you recognized an instance when you thought you were being judged and can now recognize your own judgments?

Please share in the comments below. Our stories help us to grow and connect with others.

 

 

Letting Go of Control

 

I have been having a difficult time with my oldest daughter lately. Alana is five years old and such a joy. But we’ve been arguing and fighting with each other a lot. Yesterday morning I caught myself being ugly towards her because she wouldn’t let me braid her hair. She always wants a ponytail or to wear her hair down. She also wants to pick out her own breakfast. I think it has been a shock to my system. I realized I was kind of having a power trip. I’m the parent she should just eat whatever I decide or wear what I pick out for her.

I caught myself behaving this way and it gave me that aha! moment.  Alana hasn’t been fighting with me (well maybe she has a little bit) but I’ve definitely been fighting her. I’ve been fighting for my control over her. How dare she become her own person! I can actually sit here and laugh at myself for acting this way. But it is scary. The thought of my little girl not needing me as much or making her own decisions scares the crap out of me. But it is inevitable. I can fight it, live in fear and ruin our relationship or I can embrace and celebrate the ponytail wearing, peanut butter toast eating, nail biting little human being that she is.

Was I actually trying to stop her from making her own decisions? That’s not the kind of parent I want to be. I want my children to feel confident and secure with the decisions they make. It’s time for me to ease up on my controlling ways.  

This morning I read a quote that acknowledged my epiphany. It came from the source of The Daily Love, a newsletter I receive every day that is literally a daily dose of love. This quote spoke to me…

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” – Thomas Merton

I don’t want to only love the parts of me that I see in Alana. How sick and egotistical is that? I want to love and accept all that she is. It seems so obvious but sometimes we forget the meaning of unconditional love when we aren’t actively trying to live by it.

I am grateful to have learned this lesson. I know that it will benefit my relationship with both of my daughters.

Peace and Love,

Ashley

Is there a lesson you have learned today? Have you had an epiphany? Please share in the comments below. Our stories help us to connect not only to each other but also in spirit.

 

A place to get the words out.

I'm in love with writing once again. I need to be in that place where I can sit and write in solitude. When my husband got home from work today he could tell something was up.

"Are you ok?" He asked. "I mean, are you depressed or angry?"

"I'm fine. Be nice to me." I said.

Every time I'm quiet he asks me these questions. It's sweet but my quiet attitude is usually because I'm day dreaming about writing. Today it was day dreaming mixed with a bit of anger or rather, frustration. It was nap time and my children would not go to sleep and I was looking forward to that quiet time to write. Well, first I needed to eat something. I try to wait until the children are in bed to eat that way I don't have to share my food with them. Mommy's food always tastes better for some reason. I ate lunch and listened as the children continued to play in their room. "Go to sleep!" I yelled.

And then the phone rang. It was my husband calling to tell me he was on the way home.

Poof! My quiet time disappeared.

"I am a little frustrated." I admitted.

"Because of the kids?"

I nodded.

"I want to go write." I said.

"Ok."

I got up to get ready but then I stopped. I was half way dressed and felt like I had nowhere to go. Where would I go? Where would I feel creative and inspired...Starbucks just didn't seem to cut it.

I walked over to my husband and put my arms around him. "I'm not going." I said.

"Why not?"

"I don't know where to go."

"Go to the bookstore. You're going."

"I don't want to."

"No. You're going. You feel like writing. Go write."

"Ok. You're right."

I finished getting dressed and started driving to the bookstore. I drove by the Starbucks across the street from our house and saw it was quite lonely. I like lonely and deserted. I do well in that place. Ok, Starbucks it is I told myself as I made a right hand turn.

I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. I was in front of Starbucks but staring at the Wine bar a few doors down.

Mmmm, wine and writing sounds so sweet. But it is very dark in there. I need some light if I choose to write in my notebook. And I really don't feel like coffee. Wine. Wine. Dark. Too dark. No. That won't work. I choose light. And I guess a latte will do. Lonely, light, latte.

At Starbucks once again to write the same old story once again. Old habits die hard.

Where do you go to write?